How many times has it happened to you that you’ve been taken for a ride and you’re aware of it all the while. You just can’t say no?
Your friend wants to do shopping, she tags you along. In the office, your colleagues drag you in some work. You step out of your house for some walk, and your friend hijacks you for some work. In the name of sharing, often my 8 year old ends up exchanging her toys and cycle for inferior or broken down toys or smaller cycles with her friends. She is aware that she gets sweet-talked into a position where she can’t say no. That hour of play is not fun because she ends up riding a smaller, inconvenient cycle, or playing with a semi broken toy, while her friend enjoys a smooth ride of a right sized cycle or a new toy! Such “rides” leave a bad taste in her mouth. After the play is over, she stays heavy-hearted for a while.
I suffered from this proclivity to yield myself for the first 20 years of my life.
Such “rides” often leave a bad taste in your mouth. Yet, you can’t say no to a friend for “such a small thing”
Why can’t you say no?
- You have an inherent & instinctive need to be likable. You want to be liked, and you go with the flow, comply with the friendly requests.
“You’re so caught up in the need for being liked that you sacrifice your own self-respect.”
– Herbert Fensterheim
- They are such a small thing. One the face of it, and on a stand alone basis, they are such small matters. Exchanging cycles, accompanying friends for her shopping, helping colleagues in their work. They are all such puny matters that it almost comes as a shock to the beneficiary, if you say no (or at least you think so!).
- There is a thin line of difference between courtesy, friendship, help, assistance, sharing on one hand and being taken for a ride on the other.
- You’re dealing with friends after all, not enemies. And you do stuff for your friends and loved ones all the time like sacrificing La-Liga for a family candle light dinner, sitting along the bedside of an ailing room-mate, waiting for the husband to return from office for dinner, giving your favourite jacket to your friend going for a date.
And yet, sometimes, with some people, you feel you’re taken for a ride. It may be difficult for me to put things down on paper, but subconsciously, you know when it is one of courtesy, friendship, help, assistance, and sharing and when it is being taken for a ride. You want to say no, but something holds you back, because she’s a friend after all. You do not want to say no at the cost of creating cracks in the relationship. What you need is…
The Subtle Art of Saying No:
The objective is to say no, without spoiling the relationship. This can be accomplished, if the following measures are followed:
- Say no immediately. Sometimes, we say yes, when we want to say no. Later, at the last minute we pull out with a lame excuse.
“Sorry, I can’t come; some guests have dropped in.” A dumb revert like, “Not feeling well” Not picking the phone; not even opening Whatsapp messages Waste your time pretending to help your colleague making her presentation, but not really helping much; yet ending up staying up late in office
Do not let the expectation build up and then crash land at the last minute. Delayed refusal makes you the villain, not the other guy. If you want to refuse, you’ve to be upfront.
“It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.”
— Leonardo Da Vinci
- Wear a smile. After being taken for a ride umpteen times earlier, an indignation is built in. While saying no, it is very likely that it will show in your expressions. Remember the expressions of the HR Manager, while disclosing the pay cut during the Covid pandemic….that smile! A smile does two things. One, it serves the unexpected response to the receiver mildly. Two, it fools your inner self. It doesn’t let your resentment show (that much!).
- Avoid giving lame excuses. Even a half wit will understand that you’re making one. If you don’t want to be taken for a ride, just say no and give a reason as close to reality as possible. Something like..
“Ummm..no buddy, you carry on; I hate visiting a mall, when I’m not shopping myself” “Ummm..no. I cannot give you my cycle for yours, because your cycle is too small for me too! “Ummm..no. I can’t help you with my presentation because I’m too preoccupied with my own stuff!” “Ummm..no. I’m trying to quit smoking. I want to avoid all situations which prompt me to smoke. So, when I come for a party with you guys, I”ll not be able to resist the temptation.”
Smart and prompt refusals like these will make the recipient realise that he/she is the villain. It will send a message clearly, promptly, politely and assertively – that you’re not a pushover anymore. You”ll get more respect next time.
By the way, if the person takes umbrage, chances are high that he/she is selfish and always had the intention of taking you for a ride. You’re better off not yielding to his/her demands anyways!
Prepare yourself in advance for such situations when you end up saying yes, when you want to say no. Rehearse mentally saying no. Such rehearsals will alter your natural choice of yielding to extravagant demands from saying Yes to saying No.
“Once we have made a choice or taken a stand, we will encounter personal and interpersonal pressures to behave consistently with that commitment. Those pressures will cause us to respond in ways that justify our earlier decision.”
– Robert B. Cialdini
A great trick is to take a pause before yielding. Starting with “Ummm..”or “Let me think…” might help!
Then, follow this up with an assertive statement stating your stance…with compassion & smile!
I close with this quote…
“Let us think of life as a process of choices, one after another. At each point, there is a progression choice and regression choice. There may be a movement towards defence, towards safety, toward being afraid; but over the other side, there is the growth choice.”
– Abraham H. Maslow